Self-Talk as I Revised

Here is the original:

Cocaine has been identified as one of the most powerful reinforcers currently known. Similar to the reinforcing properties of many drugs of abuse, the pharmacological effects of cocaine have been linked to the modulation of dopamine release, particularly within terminal fields of the mesocorticolimbic dopaminergic pathways such as the nucleus accumbens. These pharmacological effects of abused drugs do not, however, directly explain the cognitive deficits often seen in chronic drug users. For example, chronic cocaine abusers display impairment on tests of memory function, attention, and inhibitory control.

The first sentence contains the wordy verb “has been identified” and ends with “one of the most powerful reinforcers currently known.” But this ending does not well link with the beginning of the next sentence.

Here is my new first sentence and the original second sentence:

One of the most powerful reinforcers is cocaine. Similar to the reinforcing properties of many drugs of abuse, the pharmacological effects of cocaine have been linked to the modulation of dopamine release, particularly within terminal fields of the mesocorticolimbic dopaminergic pathways such as the nucleus accumbens.

Note how I shortened the first sentence and placed “cocaine” at that sentence’s end.  Here is important advice: Place at the sentence’s end, the material you want to further discuss. Often this is the new or important material.

Next I edited the second sentence so that it better linked to the first sentence’s ending. Here is how the first two sentences now looked:

One of the most powerful reinforcers is cocaine. Like other abused drugs, it modulates dopamine release particularly within terminal fields of the mesocorticolimbic dopaminergic pathways such as the nucleus accumbens.

Note how the second sentence’s beginning thematically links to the first sentence’s ending. Doesn’t “my” pair of sentences read better than the original pair?

I next wanted to connect “my” pair with the rest of the paragraph:

These pharmacological effects of abused drugs do not, however, directly explain the cognitive deficits often seen in chronic drug users. For example, chronic cocaine abusers display impairment on tests of memory function, attention, and inhibitory control.

The beginning of the first sentence above appeared to link well with the end of the last sentence of “my” pair. So I focused on shortening the two sentences above. This is the final draft:

One of the most powerful reinforcers is cocaine. Like other abused drugs, it modulates dopamine release, particularly within terminal fields of the mesocorticolimbic dopaminergic pathways such as the nucleus accumbens. These pharmacological effects do not, however, well explain why chronic drug users perform poorly on various cognitive tests including those assessing memory function, attention, and inhibitory control.

Aren’t the 57 words above easier to understand than the 87 words in the original?

Here is another point.  If you put the most important material at a sentence’s end, what do you put at a sentence’s beginning? The answer, per Joseph Williams, is to place what is familiar, what is known, what is contextual at the sentence’s beginning.